10.17.2007

Tomlin Blinded Me With Science


The Broncos have always had the climatic advantage of forcing opponents to quickly adjust to the recovery problems associated with playing in the high altitude. Can't really hold it against Mike Tomlin for not being familiar with the concept, what with being a coach on two NFC teams, one in warm weather and another in a dome.

But naturally, I discounted St. Tomlin's scientific acumen, with which he would construct wholesale a "blood flow" machine, which would, like, uh, flow blood and shit. Don't ask me. Science has never been my bag. Just picked up on the whole germs things last year. Up until now, I just assumed it was bad vibes and bye weeks that got you sick.

Naturally, all the other cynical, defeatist eggheads out there questioned Prof. Tomlin's methods.

"...Jack Daniels, who heads the U.S. distance running program at the Center for High Altitude Training at Northern Arizona University in Flagstaff, Ariz., had some other advice for the Steelers and was baffled at the "blood flow" machine that Tomlin said will be used on the sideline Sunday night.

'We're going to have a piece of machinery that we think generates blood flow throughout the body on the sideline,' Tomlin said.

Daniels is unaware of any such machinery or how it would work.

'I don't know what he's talking about," Daniels said. ' ... It generates blood flow? To do that, your heart has to beat harder or faster -- that's the only way you can transport more blood because the heart does all the work. I don't know of any machine that will stimulate your heart faster or stronger."

Listen, asshole. Stick to making tasty, tasty whiskey and leave the science to sciencetographers like Coach Tomlin. Did you shut out the Seahawks with your two best defensive starters out? No. That takes genius. Coach Tomlin genius! In fact, I think he got the Noble Prize for Physics for it. You just didn't hear about it, thanks to that glory hog, Al Gore.

With the blood flow machine fired up, the Steelers will go into Sunday night's game with a lot more talent, as Hines, Santonio and Troy are expected to return. Casey Hampton, of course figuratively, is still up in the air. I suppose if there's any player that needs more air, it would be him.

2 comments:

Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls said...

Jack Daniels must've been drunk when he said that shit. Either that, or I have him confused with Jim Beam. Hey, I feel drinking some whiskey all of a sudden!

Jarrett Carter said...

Don't they know Tomlin found this machine when he and Marty McFly visited the future last week?