'08-'09 Schedule Circle Jerk

You Can Shove Your "Most Difficult Schedule" Up Your Ass

I can't speak for everyone, but I know I shit a solid Brick Tamland when I saw the Steelers' 2008-2009 schedule. Initially, the fact that we are matched up against both the NFC North and AFC South this season, not to mention "bonus games" against the Pats and Bolts, convinced me that Roger Goodell has a personal vendetta against us. But Oh, how a few pre-season developments/injuries can change things. I know there are quite a number of NFL franchises out there whose fan bases are comprised almost entirely of delusional assholes (SEE: Arizona, Oakland), but one of Steeler Nation's collective strengths is to take a realistic attitude about each upcoming season...we keep our shit grounded.

So let's take a look at our scheduled opponents. Because the rationale, "Screw Vegas, I make my own odds!" is so sound, I've taken the liberty of assigning my completely arbitrary "% Estimate of Victory" after each game:

HOUSTON - Schaub. Green. A couple of receivers named Andre. Luke-warm piss in a bottle. 80%

@Cleveland - A lot of peoples' "sleeper" to make the Super Bowl. Then again,
a lot of people apparently need to be told not to eat their boogers. LOVE travelling here early before Anderson can get back in the swing and their D figures shit out. 70%

@Philly - McNabb does look prime for a rebound, but with Curtis still out his receivers are piss. Westbrook = overrated. 65%

BALTIMORE - What a train-wreck. When you're pinning your season on Troy Smith's infected-ass it's time to start snorting them WMD's, Yo. 90%

@Jacksonville - Wish this was at home. Garrard only had 3 picks last year. The fuck? 40%

@Cincy - 4th road game out of the first 6 is definitely a pit-fall waiting to happen. But signs point to Lewis already having lost the clubhouse and possibly his job by then. 55%

NYFG - Umenyiora is out for the season with an in-grown pube, Strahan's gone, Plex is being Plex...I think we got a shot at The Champs, especially at home. 50%

@skins - Campbell is better than people realize and Portis is a top 5 back when healthy and not playing Dolemite Jenkins. 50%

INDY - "Pay-Tons" over-commercialized ass appears to be another bit by the bug...or at least his center is and that's just as good sometimes. Like the Giants, playing these guys away from the turf and in the elements is great. 50%

WHALE'S VAGINA - Ignoring the advice of the nation's top 4 knee specialists seems reasonable (SEE: Terrapin Logic) and ought to land Merriman's ass in the studio by this point. I can't wait to watch Rivers shit out his eye sockets while being chased by Woodley and Harrison. 60%

CINCY - You're trying to trade Rudi Johnson a week before the season starts? How do Cincy fans rationalize their perpetual mediocrity? I'd rather take a cheese-grater to my taint than root for Chad Johnson. 65%

@New England - By now the Pats fans will be whining because THEIR DEFENSE IS ANCIENT. Boots and walking casts for all. 30%

DALLAS- Maybe it's just the "Hard Knocks" talking, but I think the Cowboys are scary as hell. I hate Jerry, Pac-Man and Felix Jones. Shit. 45%

@"Ballmore" - Their D is capable of winning games outright against anyone. Their O isn't capable of producing a coherent sentence. 80%

Syphillisville, USA - This team is under everyones radar. Their D is stacked and they have three capable backs in White, Johnson and Henry. Vince Young is also an interception machine. 45%

BROWNIES - Perfect way to end the season: Dashing the hopes of an 8-7 Browns squad and sending Crennel on his way...see you next year Quinn. 70%

A lot of key games laid out the way I'd like with this schedule, surprisingly. That three game home stand and Pats/'boys combo that follows ought to determine my hard liquor budget for next fiscal year. By my count, that gives us a total season percentage of 60% with 9 games at better than 50% shot and a bunch of ones that could go either way. I know, I know: That's why they play the game. Basically, we handle our business in the division and we SHOULD be dancing.

"Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the tylenol?"


Christmas Ape said...

I look at the Pats/'Boys combo as similar to the Pats/Eagles murderers' row the Steelers faced in the regular season in 2004. Granted, both of those were at home and that was a different year, one whose results serve as no indication of future success. So, yeah, in other words, we got it in the bag. Uh, right?

Anonymous said...

We're gonna have the hap hap happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny Fuckin Kaye!!!

Dixie Normess said...

+1 point for obscure National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation reference recognition